Hahahhaha I crack myself up. Perfect is so far from the truth it makes me cry. No really... I'm crying. I'm so unperfect and my parenting skills match it. Everyday I have to make decisions and pick battles that I often question how I got so lucky to become a parent. My life would surely be empty without my husband and children, but sometimes I think... Damn. What was I thinking? We all want it (well most of us anyways)... the doting handsome husband, the adorable kids, the cute family portraits at Christmas, the homemade children's gifts for relatives, a delicious hot dinner in the oven, and so much more... But behind all those smiles and adorable children are real struggles. Struggles so real that you just shut your eyes and pray at random times looking for help, for guidance, for patience. Lord I need patience. In fact I ask everyday for patience... mainly when I'm holding a crying baby. A baby I love more than life itself and I can't figure out what she needs... or wants. There are so many times I just want to lay the girls down and run as fast as I can out the front door. I always tell myself I'll come running or crawling back because we all know I'm completly out of shape... I probably wouldn't even make it out of the 53 foot driveway before my lungs scream WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!! YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING IN A DAMN YEAR!!!!
The reason I have some time to finally update is that the girls are all asleep. I'm praying to God its for awhile. But it wasn't easy getting here. In fact, we're still in the beginning stages of our new self titled "go to sleep" training. So this new found peace could very well be temporary.
I'll give life updates in another post, but this is going to be about why I'm updating today.
The girls turned 4 months on the 12th... can you believe it?!?! That is crazy!!! In fact, pretty much a year ago today after some drinks with girlfriends, 2am McDonalds and missing my husband who had been gone a week, our little girls were conceived.
The girls were pretty good sleepers when they first came home. Of course most newborns are, but it stayed consistent. They were on the same schedule bc we would wake to feed the other no matter what. When they started growing we didn't need to. So they started waking at different intervals. I wish I could tell you twin moms to be that it gets easier, but it doesn't. At least not yet, at least not for us. In fact, its at its worse right now. I'm sure someone reading this is saying.. Ashley told me they were fine. I'm sure I did. I'm sure I told you they don't sleep, but I'm sure I told you they were great. Because they are great, but the don't sleep. So if they don't sleep, Marc & I don't sleep... you do the math.
So once they were waking at different intervals, it was like the newborn stage all over again. Thank the Lord he brought Marc into my life. He is the most hands on, supportive, non-complaining husband I could have asked for. We would take turns waking with the girls. I could no longer handle the week nights by myself when we moved the girls to their own rooms at Christmas. Its just too much. So now we suck it up and do it.... last night was the straw that broke the Camel's back and its not even Humpdaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
The girls do not like sleeping their cribs. Their room is cool, dark, we have them swaddled, we have white noise going. They were/are sleeping about 3hour stretches at most, which for a 4 month old is not normal. They should def be going at least 6hours before waking. When they wake at night, we attempt to feed and they take an ounce maybe two.... never a full bottle. Almost the minute we pick them up, they are passed back out. Ok cool, we think and put them back in their crib. Only the minute we lay them down you would think we were laying them on a board of nails. Instant cries of protest. We pick them up. Usually sitting down in the worn out rocker from Ava's baby days. Most times we fall asleep along with them. Who knows for how long. Then we wake up, confused, thankfully we haven't managed to drop the baby from our arms while we passed out. We only managed to put the wrong baby in the wrong crib once. This happened a week or two ago. Both girls were up. Marc went and put "his baby" down. A couple minutes later I take in Mila. Only to see a baby asleep in her crib. What the hell?!? I become so confused that I can't even move. I stand there and stare at the baby in my arms. This is Mila, right? Or do I have Lola? I can't tell... how can I not tell when one baby has a full head of hair and the other is 3lbs heavier???? I probably stand there for two mins... finally I take my baby and walk out into the kitchen. I ease her into the nightlight next to the sink. My suspicion is confirmed. I DO have Mila, not Lola. That means Hubs put the wrong baby in the crib. I walk into our room and whisper his name as to not freak him out. Regardless of my attempt he springs forward in the bed and says... "which one is up?!?!" I tell him none, but that he put Lola in Mila's bed. "What?? No...." Yes, I say.... and he jumps out and follows me in. "you're right" He scoops her up and lays her in the right crib and lay Mila down. We shuffle back to our bed and by this point, we're less graceful and more like drunk zombie plop in. I'm not even sure we made it under the covers...
I'm not even sure what happens after that story, but most likely the girls still wake up at some point and then inevitable happens. We bring them into bed with us. I'm sure some readers think co-sleeping in bed with them is the way to go, not us. We're not a fan of that and prefer to keep the girls in their own beds. All three... there have and always will be minimal exceptions. Like sickness. I can't bare a sick child to sleep alone. Once they are nestled in our arms its like our body plays a never ending lullabye to keep their little eyes shut tight. Usually they'll go close to 5 hours like this. If you were to take an aerial shot of us, I'm sure it can't be comfortable for Marc & I. It doesn't even matter... we are sleeping too. Of course we wake up with numb hands and arms and trying to manuever around a sleeping baby with a tingling limb proves to be a stupid move. The time comes for Hubs to get up and shower for work... he wakes me softly... asking what he should do with "his" baby. Whichever baby is in our possession we call them "ours" which changes frequently. I used to say put her in her crib, but that would last 3mins and she would be awake. I started telling him to slide her next to my baby so they are touching. That lasts 20mins until one head butts the other or grunts and then in unison they awake, MAD. These are all signs the girls are ready for sleep training. Of course sleep training is up to the parents involved and there are no right or wrong ways. We know what goals we have and what we want... no babies in our room, babies asleep in their own beds, babies that don't require rocking or feeding to go to sleep, same goes for our toddler. Total independence when it comes to sleeping. Of course I enjoy rubbing Ava's back until she falls asleep, but its nothing we want to make a habit of.
Back to last night... Ava was in bed by 9p, the girls ate and were down for bed around 10pm. I know this is considered late, but its the schedule they've put themselves in too. We had two baskets of clean laundry in the living room. When the girls were asleep I got ready for bed. Marc was out folding clothes. I told him to leave the clothes and I would get around to doing most of it tomorrow (which is today). He insisted he wanted to help me so he folded up the basket of darks. I took the monitors and went to bed. Shortly after, he came to bed. We talked briefly only to hear Lola wake up. Its sad, but when we heard her crying...I'm sure we both felt the same emotion... frustration Yep, you read right... frustrated that we weren't going to sleep right away. He went in and got her and brought her to the room. The same convo ensued... we just don't get it. They've been in their cribs since Christmas. They are fed, dry, burped and we give gas drops to help and most definitely LOVED. I told him I would take her and he denied my request. He was holding her and she became unswaddled and then my husband... the most calm, caring & understanding man became frustrated. Then I knew. When the peacekeeper of the house is feeling stress... change needs to happen. My fuse is considerably shorter than his. The benefit I have is that I realize it and before I stress myself out I ask for him to relieve me. Of course there are times when he can't and I have to deal... those are the times I stop and ask for patience.
So after he got frustrated I took Lola. It took awhile to calm her down. She was so tired but couldn't sleep. Around 1am I finally put her down, checked on Ava & climbed into my bed. About an hour after she went down she woke back up. I brought her in bed with us. Shortly after, Mila woke up and Marc brought her to bed as well. A few hours later Mila woke again and we fed both babies. Mila fought to go to sleep at first, but then we were all sleeping again until Marc had to shower... I mentioned how that goes already in the above paragraphs.
At their 4m check up on Friday I told the pedi what was going on. She said that it is 100% Behavioral. I couldn't believe it... at 4m?? She said the fact that they won't sleep in their cribs, but will sleep for hours in our arms/bed and they wake and don't eat a full bottle is what tells her they are purely doing this out of wants not needs...
So today I decided to start CIO (cry it out) for their naps. They were just so tired this morning that they needed constant holding. I can't do that. I have two babies and a toddler. Beebs woke up at 8:30a and she didn't get a good breakfast until 10am. She just got little snacks to hold her over that I could get while holding a baby. Just enough to hold her over. How can that be fair to her? I then quickly realized I never even changed her diaper when she woke up. What is wrong with me?? The girls were just fussing and crying and I couldn't take it... I texted Hubs... " I can't do this" He responds that I can and he will be home for lunch to help me. I just sit there and cry. I had to walk away, but Ava of course followed me. I regrouped and said this is it... they need to just go to bed, right now. The girls are horrible nappers, like mini cat naps unless you are holding them. The girls need adequate rest, and I need to do this is for Ava. She gets the short end of the stick all the time. She always wants to play and usually I'm saying... "after I put sissy to sleep", which, lets be honest, entails holding until she falls asleep, put her down, usually in the swing, then its usually time for the other to sleep so I hold her to sleep, same deal... and Ava usually gets about 20mins of mommy time. That's not enough. Not to mention during those 20mins I need to wash bottles or do something else important around the house. Then we play "quietly" so we don't wake up the girls. We usually go back into Ava's room to play loudly, but I'm so afraid one will wake up, cry and wake the other that I'm constantly listening down the hall for a baby. My day is spent responding to baby noises and raising my voice at my toddler. So here is how the day went and is currently going... I expect this to last a few days before they get used to it. I'm sure some of you will say I'm mean and how could I let my babies cry this long... but until you've walked a mile...
10a: girls have been awake almost two hours, they are drowsy. Put them to bed.
10a-12p: no sleeping, just crying. At the beginning I went in at 5, then 10mins to soothe, but that just made it worse.
12:10p: Feed both (hubs came home and took the rest of the day to help me).
12:40p: down for sleep, no swaddle, wouldn't take paci, crying
2:00p: Lola asleep
2:15p: Mila asleep
2:30p: Mila wakes up, her cries wake up Lola
2:40p: 2hour mark--- change clothes, diaper
3:10p: finished bottles, comforted. Babies are smiling, seem happy but very drowsy
3:30p: change diapers again, arms out swaddle
3:40p: put in bed drowsy, but awake. Both fall asleep immediate
4:05p: Mila woke, her cries woke up Lola
4:50p: they are both still crying... its been 30mins since they woke, but their nap was less than 30mins, definitely not enough.
If they are still awake at the 2hour mark, 5:40p, we'll take them out, feed again, play and then hope that we have better luck for an early bed time. I'm not counting on it, but this will be our schedule the next few days until they are sleeping better. By the way... we have a video monitor so I can see them perfectly.
Pray for us!!!
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