2 Month Check up! 10 days ago lol

Well... we didn't have the best appointment

10 days ago was the girls two month check up. I knew going in Lola would probably have a low weight gain. I wasn't sure what she weighed since her 1m check up, but I was certain it wasn't much more. She's just a tad too big for newborn clothes, some she can still fit, but she swims in all her 0-3m outfits. A few days before the appt Mila has stopped gulping down her bottles and I noticed some of the similar clicks that Lola has. I was hoping that maybe its just a tiny cold. I've been sick all week.

I woke that Monday with chills and severe body aches. I felt like I had the flu. I immediately thought I had Mastitis. I've never had it, but I have a friend that did and know enough about it to know what it entails. The only symptom I didn't have was the red/pink swollen & tender boobs. Everything else was there... maybe I just had the flu? or a bad cold? There isn't a huge choice of meds you can take when breastfeeding and when I'm sick I like my body to try and fight it off itself for 24hours before I intervene. My fever broke that night and even though I was feeling better a week later, I'm still no where near 100%, but the show must go on.

Lola went first, she weighed in at 8lbs 10oz (1%). I felt like throwing up, that is only one pound since her 1 month appt. I was hoping (more like praying) she was at least in the 9lb range. She is 22 1/4in (34%) long and 14 3/4 (22%) head circumference. I already knew things weren't going to go well for her. At 2months old, she's basically the size of a brand new baby, minus the height, but lord.. she sure is beautiful. Since she is so tiny, all of her features are more prominent, especially her eyes. She has such soft & feminine features. I tried not to think about what the doc would say about her weight, gain, but it was all I could think about. Mila went next, she was 11lbs 3oz (42%), 23 1/4in (79%) long & her head was 15 3/4 (90%)!! I'm a pretty good guesser... I was guessing Mila was 11lbs and that Lola (at least hoping) was 9lbs.

We had Ava with us at the appt. I have no idea why we always insist on keeping the family together. It always seems like a good idea until Ava decides she wants to run all over tarnations, so that means Hubs keeps her occupied while I handle the twins. She is a really well behaved child, but of course she's curious and gets bored. So our creativity really gets put into full swing when we're out places and one of us has our concentration elsewhere.

While we were cramped in the little patient room, it quickly started to smell like grown man poop. I first asked Marc if that was him, because a few mins earlier he opened the door and farted outside the crack. I was cracking up, feeling bad for anyone that might walk past the green cloud. He assured me the fart didn't follow him in. So we start down the list of kids... Mila no, Lola maybe... she smelled like poop, but she was dry, she gets really bad gas. Then I ask Ava and she said... No just pee. I ask her again and she said, yes poopy and pee on potty. I peeked in her diaper and she was the culprit. Hubs swooped her up onto the exam table next to the girls and started changing the diaper. It was really as if it were no big deal. They looked like an assembly line of poopers. Once we got her diaper changed I realized I couldn't find our "diaper bags"- the thin little bags you put dirty diapers or clothes in (like a dogs poop bag). There was no way I ws going to leave this steamy hot diaper in the room for the doc to smell and next patients to suffer through. So I grabbed a latex glove, shoved it inside, tied a knot and tossed it. I must admit, I've become pretty Macgyver-esque since having half a volleyball team in my posse.

Dr. C came in and she is just wonderful. Although I'm pretty sure when you walk into a little room, with two other adults, a toddler and two infants a certain level of anxiety has to come up. Beebs was over the whole being confined to a little room moment so she opened the door and walked out. Plus I'm sure she remembers the nurse jamming two needles in her arm just two weeks prior. We let her walk out since there was no need to keep her in. Plus my mind is like a steal trap when it comes to talking about the girls & their health.

She said Mila looked great, but she was confident she might have a mild case of LM. I started to get hot. I told her I didn't want to assume that was the case just because Lola had it, but she said since they are identical, the chances of them having the same health concerns is a lot higher than fraternal twins. Of course you don't want to imagine your kids getting sick, but you can't help but think now if one does, the other can have the same problems as well. That's a lot of heartache. She recommended that we call our ENT, Dr. M and have him squeeze Mila in at our 6w follow up Dec 4th. Mila also favors her right side still. I have them do tummy time quite a bit now and TRY my hardest to get in their little neck exercises and make sure they are looking the "opposite" way, but it is so hard. It usually hits me after they are in their "natural" position for about 20mins that I need to adjust them. Mila's belly button was still a little "open" so she cauterized it with silver nitrate. Its still kinda black looking from 10 days ago!!!!

Then it was Lola's turn. She wasn't happy with the weight gain and with her only being in the 1% that's not good. She said she wanted me to add 1/2teaspoon of the actual powder of Enfamil's preemie formula "Enfacare" to 3oz of breastmilk. This will up the calorie intake to like 26 calories or something? She said she wanted Lola back in a month for a weight check, but if I felt like she wasn't gaining before then, then I needed to call and come in immediately. If Lola doesn't have a significant weight increase by Dec 15th, they will need to medically intervene. I told her I didn't want to know what that entailed at that moment, but I already know. She will probably need some sort of feeding tube. Of course what ever is best, I will do, but I just can't imagine. I know that will give her the nutrition and ounces she needs, but I can't help but feel like this is my fault too. Lola's hernia was almost completely closed, so she said no need for surgery there. Woo hoo!

She was happy with their overall development and they don't seem to lack anywhere else and are doing 2 month old stuff, but she said she wanted them both to have physical therapy, to help prevent "torticollis" & "Plagia"!!? I know I spelled them wrong. The first one is muscular and the second one is flat spot. Surprisingly Lola's range of motion and head control is a lot better than Mila's, but nonetheless they both need extra work. Mila looks down and to the right a little more. Its hard to get her to move her head the other way. When she told me that she wanted the PT once a week I started to cry. She immediately felt horrible and I apologized and said I felt so guilty. Like I could have prevented this if I spent more time doing the exercises and tummy time and now here we are... I have a baby that is 2 months old, the size of newborn who will need medical intervention if she doesn't put on weight asap, another baby with possible Laryngamalacia (LM) like her sister and now they both need physical therapy once a week. As if I wasn't overwhelmed as it is and I was very sick at the time... Marc of course came in during the tears and I just told him in a nutshell what was going on. A minute later he ran back out of the room after Ava. I know God will only give you what you can handle and I just can't imagine that he has more faith in me than I do myself. Everyday is a test and I won't say its a struggle, but its close. This is not easy.

The girls each got two shots per leg so that was another ordeal to deal with. Twice the pain and screams. We consoled them and we left. Ava remembers there are "thucketh" (suckers) where we check out and before I know it she had a mini bouquet in her hand with a huge smile. I told her she could only keep one and had to leave the rest for the other kids. She actually agreed and put them back. She knows I don't let her have them in the car (choking while I'm driving is not what I want to add to my list) so she went to down on it before I took it from her.

When we got in the car I took a deep breath.. trying to go over all the info in my head. How can you not have major mom guilt??? I'm told none of this is my fault, but how can it not be? At least just a little? If someone tells you there is something wrong with your child, minor or major it is the worst feeling ever. Your heart breaks for them and you also carry this burden around if you're doing the right thing and start to question yourself EVEN more as a mother. I got a grip and instead of crying (again) I just told myself things could be so MUCH worse. They could have came WAY to early and not even be here to celebrate 2 months of life, they could have came early and could have spent a very long time in the NICU and had lasting issues, they could have SEVERE cases of LM or even their flat spots... everything COULD BE worse, but its not. I just have to remind myself that. No matter how bad I feel for myself!

Doctors diaper duty line!!!

Mommy Guilt

ok, so I've posted a couple times about me crying. Its mainly because I feel bad... like I'm not giving each girl (including Ava) all that they need. I truly feel as if there isn't enough of me to go around. Of course I have tears flowing from frustration, but that stems from the same origin.

I don't feel guilty for leaving the house to meet my friends for a drink, treating myself to a pedicure or having date night with Hubs. I truly believe getting out of the house for yourself, is the best gift you can give your soul & your family. When you're out doing other things, it makes you feel full and feeling full keeps you happy... and when you're happy, it oozes out of you and everyone around you feels happy too. I want my family to be happy and if I'm not happy... how could they possibly be?

The girls have flat spots... I feel guilty that I'm not doing more to correct them. I know it takes time for it to change because it took awhile (mostly in utero) to get where it is, but I feel bad. I feel like some how I should be doing more. I feel guilty that Lola is so teeny tiny. I know I didn't give her LM, but I feel like maybe I should be on a more strict schedule of feeding her every 1.5hours around the clock. I feel guilty that Ava sits in front of Elmo and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (which of course she loves) for far more hours than we spend reading books during the day or playing outside. I feel guilty that we eat out a lot because I'm just too exhausted to cook dinner, let alone have more than one free arm at a time. I have so much mommy guilt that it eats at me. By the time I do get to bed at night, I usually lay there and just shake my head at myself... thinking about all the things we "should have" done that day. More tummy time, listen to more music, dance more with Ava, put the girls in a cute outfit besides simple white onesies all the time, take more pics, etc...

There is usually a time every day where I question myself as a mother. I don't regret trying to get pregnant again, but I do regret that I don't have more help. I don't regret that we have twins, I regret that I didn't reach out to more people for support. I feel like the girls can't possibly benefit much from just having one person with them everyday and it kills me. I truly feel as if something is wrong with them, it's because of something I didn't do or didn't do right. I never felt like this with Ava and I know its because I wasn't overwhelmed. Sure, I was a first time mom and beyond exhausted, but not THIS exhausted & run down. I was still able to at least go through the motions when I was so tired, but she could never know that and it never effected her. I feel like this time around... it will effect them.

I know these last couple of posts probably seem depressing and that upsets me even more. Its completely opposite of my personality. Of course there are a lot of AMAZING times and they really outweigh the frustration & exhaustion I have. I just don't talk much about whats hurting inside to anyone. I don't like to bother people or bore them or tell them something where they might feel bad... not my style. Of course have some really great friends I share info with, but even then I try to censor it. Maybe its a character flaw I have... I really don't want people to worry or feel they need to help me just because I'm venting about something. Thats one reason why I still love writing in this blog... whether 1 person reads it, or 10,000... I couldn't care less, I'm just happy to get it off my chest. I share my feelings mostly with Marcellus & I can't thank him enough for all the encouragement he gives me, but sometimes I don't want encouragement... I just want someone to listen and not say anything back... Like my blog!

I guess what I'm trying to say... is this is really hard. I know it gets easier & I'm not the first mom to have twin newborns and a 2 year old, but for now I just hope I'm enough for these little girls.

"La rang go ma lacia" & Lola

Laryngomalacia (literally, "soft larynx") is the most common cause of stridor in infancy, in which the soft, immature cartilage of the upper larynx collapses inward during inhalation, causing airway obstruction. It can also be seen in older patients, especially those with neuromuscular conditions resulting in weakness of the muscles of the throat. However, the infantile form is much more common.

This is what Lola has. At her 1m appt, I brought up to her Pedi that I noticed she was "quivering" & "clicking" at home. I even recorded it on my phone so she could here. She wasn't doing it all the time then. She looked her over and said that it looks like it could be that her nasal passages are so narrow and with mucus build up it causes some obstruction and she would be ok... but to look for signs of distress, not breathing, less eating etc...

fast forward not even a week later and she started to get worse. Mila is a great eater and was downing close to 4oz bottles at this time. Even though Lola was littler she was still taking 3-3.5oz bottles with no problem. I was still giving them pumped milk as opposed to nursing because with Lola's slow weight gain I wanted to keep track of her intake. She was barely taking 2.5oz in a 30min time frame. I scheduled an appt with the pedi. She was still gaining weight from the previous week, but not as much as I liked. She was 7lbs 10oz at 1m and then 8lbs 2oz at 6weeks. I went alone with Lola. Ava & Mila stayed behind with my mom. This was my first outing without the whole crew and it felt lonely! I'm not going to lie... it felt weird not showing people my twins. I realize most people aren't as amazed by one tiny baby as they are two with a toddler big sis.

When I was telling my pedi my concerns... I started crying the moment I told her she wasn't eating enough and I knew something was wrong. The noises were getting worse and although she never "turned blue" I could tell she had moments of struggles. Its the more heart breaking thing... she was wearing herself out to eat, so she wouldn't take so much and since she was so worn out, she was almost too worn out for the next feed. Dr. C said its probably Laryngomalacia and that she needed to see one of the ENT's at Akron Children's Hospital. That was on a Friday and they got me in at 8:15am Monday morning. Our little family of 5 made the trip together. We got called back pretty quick. We spent more time with the nurse, & nurse practionioner (NP) than the doctor, but I know thats the norm. We talked about her issues and then we went back to a procedure room so they could do a scope.

I thought I'd had my share of tears watching your child getting poked and prodded when Mila was in the NICU for 24hours. I had to sit in a chair that you'd be in to get your teeth cleaned... I had to hold Lola and hold her hands tight against her chest. She didn't even try to resist me and that immediately broke my heart. I realize that your children have this immense sense of security and trust for their parents from day one. They know you're there to love and care for them no matter what... I couldn't even look down at her. The nurse held her head against my chest, she winced to the right in protest and I could feel the tears well up inside. The NP had the scope which looked like a piece of spaghetti wrapped in black tubing with a light on the end. I never watched them insert it, but with the way Lola screamed at the top of her lungs, I knew when it happened. I couldn't even look at Marcellus who was facing me, holding Ava. I just had my head leaned back against the head rest watching the monitor of hte scope. It seemed like it took forever. I could feel myself fighting back the tears... why? Why fight them back? Its pretty obvious you're trying not to cry with your lips folded back into your mouth as tight as can be and your body is heaving up and down. They got what the needed and took it out.. she only cried a few seconds after and I finally let my tears fall down. She looked back at me and I hope she could feel the pain in my eyes that it wasn't something I wanted her to go though. Although she probably was thinking... what the hell was that mom, just give me some damn milk, before she shut her eyes and went to sleep.

We watched the video from the scope in slomotion. It was pretty amazing to see how the voice box works. The movements inside were in perfect harmony with the noises coming out. Dr. M diagnosed her with mild LM (I"m not writing that word out anymore). In severe cases the extra flap needs to be trimmed for children with major obstruction. Apparently this is very common, although that didn't make the process any easier. He said that we needed to go back to feeding her less ounces more frequently... that instantly qued up the newborn phase, but I was ok with it. He said there is no need for surgery at this time and we go back Dec 6th for a follow up. The goal is that she out grows it, which is another reason why its so important for her to gain more weight. That was 2 weeks ago and she still makes the noises, so if she's going to outgrow it, it clearly will take awhile. Marcellus & I have come to be used to it... we forget that other people aren't aware or know that its "ok", so there is ALWAYS a mini freak when someone else is holding and/or feeding her. Trying to explain to someone that its "ok she's making those noises, she is breathing, just not 100%, but she is and she is ok"... they look at you like you're crazy and that CPS will be on line 2. She can't lie flat to sleep right now, which is fine by me. They both still sleep in their rnp next to me in our room. Lola is SO LOUD at night so during moments when she isn't noisy it sets off a trigger in Marc & my head that something is wrong... but there isn't! I have noticed there are moments it doesn't happen, but it still scares the shit out of us when she's quiet.

So all we can do is pray that at her 6week check up with the ENT in Dec that its gotten tons better and she won't need surgery. I can't stress and cry about things I can't control, I can only love her, feed her and give her everything else she needs and wants.

I don't even know what day it is...

half the time...

Life has been amazing, but beyond hectic. Actually as I write this I have my feet propped up on the ottoman, Ava is on my shins bouncing up and down yelling "horsey horsey horsey". The girls are in their rock n plays in front of dad, he's folding laundry and we're watching Monday Night Football.

We are finally in our own place! Staying at my mom's was a major blessing and I can't thank them enough for all they did for us this summer and the few weeks of the twins brand new life. Its just so nice to be somewhere with your own little family surrounded by your own little things you've collected over the years. We're just a renting an adorable little house until we decide where we want to end up and whether we build or buy. And when I say adorable, I mean tiny lol. I love our landlord MG, she is really nice. They put brand new carpet through out, finished the basement, painted, added new touches, raised the basement ceiling, etc. I'm not a huge fan of the kitchen floor or countertops, but hey, its only temporary. Although we do have the option to buy after our lease is up.

I'm in full time stay at home Mommy mode. I wish I could say it is going so fabulously and everything is amazing all day every day, but reality is that its a struggle. Every day I seem to have a moment where I question myself... myself as a mother and a wife. I feel like there just isn't enough of me to go around for everyone. On top of that trying to figure out how to fit everything into this new house. I know... woe is me, the woman that had a huge fabulous house in Austin, trying to fit it all in a house about 1/2 the size. Plus we didn't sell that much before we came so we packed it all up and its been in storage for 6 months. Even though we organized it well, there is no easy way to unpack stuff you haven't seen in half a year. It can be overwhelming.

The house is coming along nicely. I still can't remember where I put half the stuff we have. There are only so many places so it shouldn't be difficult, but every day I generally stand in the kitchen like a deer in headlights looking for something simple like a soup bowl. My newest challenge was finding my prepregnancy jeans. I've been rocking the maternity jeans up until this past Friday. I LOVED them. They are beyond comfortable, but now that my belly is back to normal (almost) the panel wouldn't stay up. Friday we were at Hubs office, showing his co workers the babies. I was pushing the double stroller and he was carrying Ava. EVERY TIME I walked I could feel my pants sliding down. At one point I thought they were hanging down past my butt. I kept walking sideways with my butt to the wall so I could yank them up. His office was huge and I'm sure some women noticed (you know how you women are). I was pretty embarassed. I kept feeling like they were below my butt so I shoved my hand down the back only to realize that it was my underwear that were falling off my ass. Since my pants were sliding, so were my undies. At this point I'm walking sideways with my butt to the wall and one hand down my pants pulling my underwear up which basically gave me a painful front wedgie. I just chalked it up as a loss and kept my hand in my back pocket like I was cool. Who walks, pushing a double stroller with one hand and the other in their back pocket? As if pushing the double stroller is easy and only weighs a pound. By the time we were leaving I just couldn't do it anymore so I booked it for the lobby area. The faster I walked the more they slouched. I almost ran up hubs heels trying to get past him. Everyone would have seen me and human instinct is to look at people's butts... especially a guys wife you work with, heck I do it to everyone. As soon as we get out into the open lobby surrounded by no one I looked at my butts reflection... my pants had fallen down enough to look like I had a huge piece of shit stuck in my underwear weighing my pants down... kind of like a kid who goes in the pool with  regular diaper on. Awesome. I feel like I need a do over on the office visit.

Hubs walked us out, we kissed and the girls and I went on our way. Of course they slept soundly the whole time at lunch with Hubs and then at his office. Its almost as if they can sense the comforts of our new house and decide... I'm hungry as heck and I'm going to go berzerk until mommy does something about it. Our garage still has some boxes in it so I had to park in the drive way. Insert dilemma #1... how do you get a sleeping toddler out of the middle seat and carry in two newborn carseats and a diaper bag in one trip? You don't... unless you are Ursula from the little mermaid. I left the diaper bag and got all the girls inside- including a half asleep Beebs. Plus it was pretty damn could out and my pants were half way down my butt again. This time I just plopped the girls in their rock n plays, changed Ava's diaper, left her pants off and laid her down for her nap. I ran to the screeching owls that were coversating in the living room. I had their bottles ready. I sat on the floor inbetween them and fed them... gangbuster style. My right arm was the first to start quivering... odd considering that is my dominant limb. Lola has to burp a lot so I would pull the bottles out set them next to the girls, swoop Lola on my right shoulder, lean to the left and burp her over the right shoulder with my right hand while I continued to feel Mila with my left. I just kept praying... "please don't decide to get all over achiever on me and try to roll off my shoulder, PLEASE". I did this about 5 times during the course of the feeding. I don't need to burp Mila until the end so its almost like its a blessing in disguise. Afterwards they just laid there... staring at me in amazement. When they look so satisified with the milk I try to remember what I ate that might be in there. So far, I'll probably never be able to keep track. I started to pick up the house... car seats, blankets, coats, misc rainsins on the floor and a random panty liner stuck to the carpet.

The girls decided they needed more attention. Mila is a little more high maintenanced, she LOVES to be held 24/7. Lola can take it or leave it. I was burping Lola a few more times (the reason why in my next post) and Mila wasn't happy. So I eventually I had to just hold them both. I do this a lot, but its really tiresome. Having 20+lbs of wet noodles supported by weak wrists and eventually I'll have a disastrous story to write about(I'm kidding- just pray I don't!). There is something magical about holding two babies at once. You can't do anything but just lay there and relax, which is exactly what I needed. I finally snuggled onto the couch with them... Mila's back against my belly and Lolas back against Mila's belly. Surprisingly we all fit on the couch comfortably and fell asleep for 45mins that way.

Its moments like those that nigate the times of tears. I think I cry almost once a day... its mainly when they both decide they need something at the same time and Ava is awake. That's when I tell myself I'm a horrible mom. I can tell Mila will be the child that will decide to hold her breath if you tell her no until she almost passes out. When I'm feeding Lola its like she gets a little seperation anxiety, especially if she can see us. Usually I have to move her so she can't, I'm pretty certain she stares at us while she cries thinking we're leaving her out... either that, or she's just that attached to her sister already.

Getting back to Normality..

***Disclaimer.... this was started on Weds Oct 23rd and finished today Mon Nov 11th

Normality probably isn't a word, or maybe it is because it didn't get flagged for spelling. Meh

The girls will be 6w old tomorrow! Wow!!! I'm not surprised that time is flying. Life itself seems to fly by when you become a "responsible" (cough cough) adult. As adolescents we all want to be "double digits", and then teens, and then 18, and then 21 and then suddenly, we wish we were still 13. I actually love being an adult and I do enjoy how fast time flies. I love looking back over the years and just think wow its been quite a ride. Since time does go fast it makes going through tough times easier. I'm able to sit back and say... ok, this sucks, but before I know it, it will be a year and I'll look back and laugh, or have learned.

Today I had my 6 week check up. I have been looking forward to today since I was put on pelvic rest 6months ago. I talked to the ladies at the reception area for awhile. We talked and laughed for probably 10mins or more. I'm going to miss not chatting with them on the regular. Carol took me back and we checked my weight. I am down to 175lbs which if I'm not mistaken is 3lbs UNDER my pre pregnancy weight!!! I'm very happy :) I'm still rocking maternity jeans because I think they are comfortable and truthfully 95% of my clothes are still tucked away in an oversized garage called a storage unit, so I really have no choice.

Carol and I talked about birth control options. She wrote me a new rx for the Mini Pill. Since I'm still breastfeeding this is a good option. Although since its progesterone only its not as "strong" as other pills so I HAVE to remember to take it at the same time everyday. This normally wouldn't be a problem, but lately I have trouble remembering what day of the week it is, let alone a specific time! I thought about getting the IUD, but I think I'll hold off until my 6month appt in March. Although, maybe I won't... I'm terrified to get pregnant again right now!!

Everything else went well with the appt. I had a piece of thread hanging from my incision. I've touched it a couple times to see if it would fall off without luck. It just seemed to get longer. So Dr. G was talking to me and next thing I know the piece was in his hand. He said it came right out. The incision area is still numb so I hope to god it wasn't still attached to something important!!! I was cleared to resume back to all "normal" activities... work (yuck, but actually considering going back) and "other" activities. WOOHOO!!!!!!! Best news ever!!! I was half tempted to tell Hubs NOT to go back to work once I got home... but I'll just have to contain myself a little longer.

Lola is still making her little clicking/breathing noises. She's not struggling for breath but I'm starting to think that there is something else up besides narrow nasal passages and mucus build up. I've been using saline a few times a day and I really don't get much junk out. I have an appt on Friday with her Doctor. Hopefully she can dig in a little deeper. I'm sure its nothing serious, but its definitely different.

On another REALLY good note... we found a place! We've decided its best that we just rent something right now so we found a cute little house that's on the way to Hubs' work! Its a 3bedroom, nothing special, but absolutely PERFECT for us. We move in this weekend and I cannot wait. Things are really starting to fall into place after 6months of uncertain chaos. Ava's 2nd Birthday is next weekend and we actually have a full weekend of fun stuff going on with friends and family for other occasions. I guess I need to get on the look out for some babysitters!

Speaking of sitters... how do I find babysitters for twin newborns and a toddler? I know lots of people have 3 kids, but 3 kids consisting of twins, this young? My mom & Aunt Mary do a lot of babysitting for us when we really need it and I hate always having to ask them. I'm just not sure how you find someone (or TWO someones) that would be willing to watch them? I think its relatively easy, but I worry about finding someone being able watch the babies and not get frustrated. It can be trying when you're feeding one baby and the other just starts crying even when you know they don't "need" anything except to be loved on and your hands are full, literally. I'm sure anyone can handle it for a few hours, but its something that worries me. Perhaps I should really look into two sitters even if it costs more. That way each person gets a baby or if one baby is crazy and the other is calm they can both help? These are the things I think about nonstop.

Mommy guilt has been setting in a lot more lately. The girls are staying awake in longer stretches now, sometimes even up to an hour! So, by the time I change a diaper, feed, love on, let them stay awake a little and then get back to sleep... its like an hour per baby, on top of still giving Ava everything she needs and wants. A few days I cry about it. I know Ava won't remember this, just like she won't remember her big ol mom couch ridden all summer, but I can't help but feel like she and the babies deserve more than I can give. I also feel like the babies spend too much time in their rock n plays. Now that they are alert longer, I try to change up their positions and sit on the floor with them. I can usually match that up with playing with Ava on the ground, but before you know it she wants to run and jump... and well... even though I've got cat like reflexes I'm not sure I trust her depth perception. We're considering (actually more like decided) to get Beebs back in daycare. They can offer her more interaction, play and stimulation than I can give right now. Even though shows are educational now, its not a good babysitter or play mate. In fact, we haven't been outside in forever. Or even somewhere indoors where she can get all crazy.

** sorry for the abrupt ending, but I'll just post this and start a new update in the next post.

Its been awhile...

I'm do for a major update, but until then, this is how I'll sum up my Friday at 4am...